Today.

I felt a little bit like myself again - if only ever so briefly.

A Human Bean?

Ethan: Um, excuse me. I have to use the phone.
Me: Why do you have to use the phone?
Ethan: Because I have to call my daddy.
Me: No you don't, you silly bean.
Ethan: I'm not a bean!
Me: Yes you are!
...
Ethan: A human bean?

Observation:

Chewing loudly and eating with your mouth open feels damn good. Fuck etiquette and fuck society.

For You, Joseph. My First Kiss.

"So you've really never kissed anyone before?"
"Not a soul."
"No way. That's insane! I almost don't believe it."
"Well, it's true, whether you believe or not."
"I mean, I believe you...it's just uncommon, to say the least."
Silence.
[pause]
"...Soooo...may I kiss you?"
"Uh, no? I mean, it's okay. I mean, well, we're both chewing gum anyway..."
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He got up, took a nearby plate into which we both spat out our gum. Trident Citrus Splash. We laughed a little at the silliness of it all.

It was dark.

He leaned over me and wrapped his strong arms around my waist. I flinched, nervous, excited, and scared. In the dark, I could hardly make out his lovely almond-colored eyes.

Gently, he pressed his lips against mine...

Consideration.

(Post written for me.)

Do I expect too much of people? Is it fair of me to do so? Do I have a right to expect anything from anybody at all?

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Lately, I seem to have transformed into someone I've fought against for years. I am no longer tolerant of inconsideration, of selfishness, of close-mindedness, of greediness, of disrespect, of self-centeredness, and the like. It seems I have reached and surpassed my threshold for the shortcomings of the people I surround myself with, including myself.

There was a time when I was patient, oh so patient, with those that took advantage of me, that took me for granted, that used me, consumed my time and effort, and spat me back out without so much as a word of gratitude. Yes, I let it slide in the hopes that perhaps they would see that it need not be that way. I naively thought that people were apt to change, and that, if given enough time, eyes would begin to open.

Unfortunately, I had it all wrong. It was me all along. I couldn't see it, but I was the selfish one. I was self-centered and greedy. Who was I to impose my own views on morality and nicety and compassion and kindness upon others? Who was I to say what behavior was right and what character trait was flawed? Am I not imperfect myself? Do I not have my own guilt-ridden surfeit of blemishes, shortcomings, and idiosyncrasies? And yet, there are still days in which I am unable to sleep, unable to see how I could have been blinded to such a degree as to warrant this emotional and mental dismantling of the mind and soul. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - this is what I did.

You see, the problem with that statement is that everyone has their own agenda, their own life to live, their own thoughts to think, and therefore, what others would have done unto them is completely different from what they would have done unto themselves. While others would have been content with my sitting idly by when they needed help, I justified my actions in helping them by thinking of what I would have liked others to do for me when I needed help. Little did I know, however, that what was time and effort for me, was merely a plus for the beneficiaries and taken for granted. Perhaps I was even secretly laughed at, labeled as a foolish sycophantic girl. I do not doubt that it happened.

It all seems so silly in retrospect. And the irony of it all is that being inconsiderate is just as unrewarding as being considerate, if not more, bringing upon unrelenting insomnia in this dark and solemn dance of guilt and contrition.

Observation:

For the former part of my life, I was actually a VERY happy person. That seems like ages ago.

They always say, "don't take the things you love for granted" and "the true value of something is never appreciated until it's gone".

I appreciated many moments of my happiness, and embraced them for what they were. Now what?


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Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.

"But I still have to face the hours don't I?"

Joseph on the brink of Christmas

We were walking to the Jay Street train station to catch the F train. We had just walked across the Brooklyn bridge, and stopped by a Barnes & Noble to look at books and grab some peppermint hot chocolate (well, he grabbed a frappucino, even though he meant to say cappucino...) and a delicious cinnamon raisin bagel. We bought Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and a Logic Puzzles book.

On the way to the train station, I noticed that Christmas lights had already been strung across the lampposts, overhanging the streets. Accustomed only to the simple bell shaped lights I see in my own neighborhood, I had never seen these types of lights before, and I thought they were absolutely beautiful. The colors were just so vibrant, and reminiscent of the transition between autumn and winter.

I told him how beautiful I thought they were, and he said, okay let's walk down this way instead (even though it was out of our way). (=

He said to me,
"I used to love Christmas, and I still do, but lately it just seems like there's no spirit anymore. Even toddlers know that Santa isn't real, and I guess the spirit died with the generation that used to believe in that kind of stuff.

I mean, I don't believe in magic or anything; I just like the idea of believing in magic."

I really liked that last part.
I hope we have an awesome Christmas this year.

Perhaps not.

There is room yet for the beautiful, the grand, and the ever so profound.


To be continued. A dream beckons.

Rain. Rain.

Don't go away.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. - Anonymous


I thought this was fitting for how I've felt these past couple of rainy days.
Why?
Why not?
There is something familiar about rain. Nostalgia. Maybe it just makes me miss monsoon season in Vietnam.

I think perhaps the Melancholy has poisoned my soul.

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These next few posts I fear will be uncomfortably depressing. Read at your own discretion; they are written only for me. I don't want to hear anyone's pity or anyone's reassurance. I already know it. Whether or not I realize it (there is a difference) is up to me, though that will take a bit of time. Please humor me and be patient.

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Kitty: Oh, you're reading a book?
Laura Brown: Yeah.
Kitty: What's this one about?
Laura Brown: Oh, it's about this woman who's incredibly - well, she's a hostess and she's incredibly confident and she's going to give a party. And, maybe because she's confident, everyone thinks she's fine... but she isn't.

Loneliness.

In my opinion, among the worst to come tumbling out of Pandora's box.

I am sorry I've been neglecting everyone, my friends, my family. It seems I am not getting better any time soon. For a while, I convinced myself that I was improving and, perhaps, that my luck was changing. I've learned, however, that there is no such thing as luck, except for the luck you make yourself. Unfortunately for me, all I seem to have made for myself is unluck. Negative thinking leads you nowhere, but I can't help it...Sigh.

I am a much more punctual person now. I have been more or less victorious in my battle against time. At least that much, I can celebrate. Be happy for me.


This post was for me.

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Leonard Woolf: If I didn't know you better I'd call this ingratitude.
Virginia Woolf: I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen?
Virginia Woolf: I'm dying in this town.
Leonard Woolf: If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you would recall it was London that brought you low.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly?
Leonard Woolf: We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
Virginia Woolf: This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness.
[pause]
Virginia Woolf: But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.

I smiled - though ephemeral, much appreciated.

Thank you Justin - you always know how to make me smile.

Love.

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. If you are going to tell someone you love him/her, you have to show it. Every single step of the way.




Saying, "I love you" is not enough. At least, not for me.

Dear Life,

You suck.

Hatefully,
Ly

Observation:

The leaves where I live haven't been falling the same way they used to.